


under my skin

by Ruelle



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst and Feels, Byun Baekhyun & Do Kyungsoo | D.O Friendship, Chronic Illness, Comfort/Angst, F/M, Fanboy Do Kyungsoo | D.O, Fluff and Angst, Gay Male Character, High School, Inspired by Music, M/M, Making Out, Medical Procedures, Minor Byun Baekhyun/Oh Sehun, Minor Do Kyungsoo | D.O/Kim Jongin | Kai, Online Romance, Panic Attacks, Past Do Kyungsoo | D.O/Kim Jongin | Kai, Psychologists & Psychiatrists, References to Depression, Song Lyrics, Songwriting, Surgery, Sweet Park Chanyeol, Tragedy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-20
Updated: 2019-03-12
Packaged: 2019-11-01 12:31:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 16,045
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17867315
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ruelle/pseuds/Ruelle
Summary: 'But let me tell you one thing, I won't let that happen. I won't let you cut me out of your life just because you're scared of getting hurt. I won't let you isolate yourself because you are so sure not to be worthy of us. One more thing. I am fucking in love with you Stupido and I am never leaving.'To that Chanyeol ran away, his friends shoked by his sudden bluntness, Kyungsoo speechless, tears dripping down his face.[or the coming of age AU no one asked for, Kyungsoo having so many problems and his friends helping him the best they can ]





	1. under my skin

**Author's Note:**

> introduction to kyungsoo's little world

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have made major edits on all the chapters. Something was off and I could not find what. And after reading it again I knew: THE CHRONOLOGY WAS AN ABSOLUTE MESS AND I REPEATED MYSELF IN EVERY CHAPTER. So for people thinking of writing a story, don't do like me and please read yourselves again, it will change your life for the better.

5:50 am

Kyungsoo lazily stirred himself out of bed, and even if it had been weeks since he started to follow that morning routine, he couldn't seem to be used to it, hating being up before the sun. But it had to be done. He opened the blinds of his bedroom, opened the window to let some fresh air in, before the heat of summer could strike inside and possibly kill of thirst all of his beloved green houseplants.

He put his old-fashioned brown slippers on, which he thought he looked super cool on them even though Jongdae had assured him no one in their right state of mind would buy in a street market those 'grandpa shoes', but Kyungsoo really liked them, and he never actually cared about Jongdae's fashion advice as he was always wearing sweatpants and soccer shirts. His feet lead him to the very first stop of the day, and him scratching his stomach loudly woke up the tired cat tingled in the bed covers who gently followed the boy to the bathroom. There was no need to switch the lights on, at this time of the day Kyungsoo could follow his routine eyes closed, knowing it by heart and giving him the light feeling of a quick nap.

The cold water on his face

Soap

Water again

Sun cream + 50

Glasses

Meow

He went back to his room and tried to make his bed with a little bit of difficulty, a hungry kitty playing with a few loose strings of the bed sheets, hiding under them and running around making a fuss around the place. Kyungsoo smiled, cats are awesome. When he was finally done with it he opened the drawer and take out the clothes he chose to wear, and he was happy his school was one of the rarest of South Korea not to impose the use of the uniform, at his mom disappointment, judging poorly her son's taste in fashion. He took off his pajama shirt to change into a black tee, changed his black underwear into the same but clean one and put on a black pair of training shorts. He checked into the mirror again, smiled at his own reflexion almost in despair and put on a black cap. Kyungsoo never knew how to style his hair, wished he had the same style as Yixing, but it, unfortunately, wasn't the case. He wished sometimes he was just as bald as an egg, it would probably be better than now.

His bag was packed from the day before, but he added a new book from his personal library to read during breaks or whenever he felt like it and sat at his desk to write a little in his journal, after all, it was still very early and nobody except him and the kitty was up. Jongdae who was always the first one up was in a boarding school in Singapore.

The people around thought it was because of his good grades and for his future but the truth was, he was sent away for behaviors issues, Jongdae was in a way kicked out for everyone to find a gasp of peacefulness, Kyungsoo's younger brother who always needed to takes everyone's attention to the fullest. Kyungsoo loved Jongdae the most in the entire world but he was done dealing with his life when he couldn't even deal his own. It was for the best and even Jongdae agreed it.

Yixing was always the last one up. The family's tenant from China always had a hard time getting up, pretending his system wasn't able to wake up before the sun but the truth was that he always went to bed way too late, busy either playing games or composing music. Kyungsoo's mom genuinely thought he was up late to prepare his classes as a teaching assistant but Kyungsoo never had the heart to tell her the truth, she was already busy with Jongdae. When it was around 6:40, he joined the kitchen where the action was taking place. He smelled his mom's incredible cooking, her signature dish being any kind of stew, which Kyungsoo adored.

Mrs. Do was putting breakfast on the table while Mr. Do was reading the local newspapers, his attention drawn on an interesting article about the constructions of a hospital in Itaewon. Only an engineer would be up to read this so early. Kyungsoo sat beside his dad chopsticks and spoon in his hands ready to dig in.

'Wait for a second young man,' her mom said snatching the dish right in front of him.' Feed your son first. You wanted it now you have to feed him.'

Kyungsoo pouted and poured his cat some food who frowned in happiness and thanked rubbing himself on his little dad's legs. Kyungsoo had always been a dog person so was his entire family, and they had always owned family dogs. They never thought once of having cats. Until they found that little black feline. Kyungsoo would always walk by a small alley to get home when late at night after school, where a gang of stray cats would hung out.

They seemed to be bullying a smaller one who spent most of his time by himself, hurt and hungry but also fierce and proud. Kyungsoo who had never once paid attention to them, found himself mesmerized by that bat like cat. He was the noisiest of them all, malicious and playful and yet seemed like the sweetest creature of the entire universe. Whom did he belong to?

The tiny black cat after that night in the alley started to follow Kyungsoo on his way home but disappeared once he reached his doorstep. the tiny black cat wasn't afraid of Kyungsoo like the other cats.

He would sometimes go missing for a few days but he was a stray cat after all.

One afternoon, Kyungsoo was coming back from grocery shopping with his mother and on their doormat, there was the tiny black cat lying just there, after several weeks without being seen. Mrs. Do knew about it, her son had told her about it following him around. But something was off. The cat had never come this close to their door. Kyungsoo knelt and being careful, petted it. It was the first time touching it but by the look of it, the cat was in really bad shape, underweighted and probably dehydrated.

And Mrs. Do could not resist Kyungsoo's pleading round eyes, she had a soft spot for her son's will to save every living soul. He was supposed to stay only a little bit until they found out who the owner was because his dad refused they got a cat. Every day Kyungsoo and Yixing would beg him to keep it, he was like a wall.

They eventually gave up and one Saturday evening, when the summer rain was pouring and Kyungsoo was napping with the cat on his bed, an interesting conversation was being held in the nearby kitchen.

'Darling,' Mrs. Do began softly at her husband. ' Can't we think about it? He seems happy with the cat and you know how it was since we lost Milk in that accident. He has so many things going on maybe a pet of his own...'

'I understand but I still don't think it's a good idea. What about Chestnut? Do you think she likes having a cat around? She always barks and..'

'You are the only one barking sir,' Yixing snapped like a gunshot before disappearing under the glares of the man, leaving as fast as he arrived in the first place.

'That's it, I am done!' Mr. Do abruptly entered his son's room waking him startled, the cat hidden behind him.

'I am a sorry son but tomorrow we are taking him to the shelter and...'

He was cut by the feline rubbing himself happily on his legs, sat up and looked at mister Do straight in the eyes and mewed. And it was a known fact, like father like son, he was soft in the inside. Kyungsoo was on the edge of crying and because he couldn't see his son crying anymore as he had seen it so much before he gave in.

'Okay fine. But you and Jongdae are now his parents, he declared when the black fur ball sneaked back in Kyungsoo's bed.'

'Hyung we are keeping it he said to Kyungsoo who was smiling so wide that they felt like the sun was inside the room.

'You will feed IT as well.'

'Monsoon'

'I beg your pardon?'

'We will call him Monsoon'

Because it was pouring a very nice summer rain outside, and because the cat had this charming way of getting what he wanted, like an artistic maneuver. Monsoon fitted him like a glove.

 

 

Mrs. Do who finally let his son eat his breakfast asked him:

'Is Yixing still asleep? Why do I bother asking, he is probably going to miss the bus and I swear that is going on foot even if it means he will get fired. Oh dear God Soo-ah! Why do you only wear black this is so depressing and I am beyond tired to wash the wardrobe of a raven. Oh, I wish they would force you to wear uniforms.'

That was Mrs. Do typical nonsense in the morning when she was around. Both Kyungsoo's parents were busy people, his dad was an engineer for god knows what and was frequently away for business and her mom who was at the beginning a housewife, had written a book about how being a terrible mother felt like and she became an idol in the housewives community, being invited in talk shows and conferences, she let herself live again after all Jongdae was abroad and Kyungsoo could take care of himself if they had to go away.

Kyungsoo was usually by himself in the morning, and the days when neither his parents were there he was only on Chestnut duty, walking the dog before going to school if her mother decided not to bring him along. 

He put a spoonful of rice in his mouth trying to ignore his mom's remark on his clothes. He was used to it already but she didn't mean it in a bad way, she only associated dark clothing to gloominess and depression, and even though he was depressed, he genuinely liked wearing black, for the chic side of it.

'Leave him be,' his dad said without leaving his eyes from the papers.

'You are always on his side anyways'

'Son,' Mr. Do ignored the woman to focus on his son. 'Don't leave without taking your meds today. You know you can't afford to forget.'

'Don't worry dad I put them in those containers, you know like grandmas.'

'How did you get one ?' Her mom asked amused, putting the empty dishes in the sink.

'Grandma.'

'Well of course.'

And he got up of his chair, put his plates in the empty sink and greeted his parent's goodbye and before hearing their reply he was already with his earphones on listening to his playlist he would play on repeat every single day and rushed himself on the entry where he quickly put his sneakers. He rang at Yixing's door, screaming for him to wake up, and disappeared on the main road.

Kyungsoo arrived at school a little bit earlier than the others as usual and sat on his spot in the library to wait for classes to begin. He took out his bag his water bottle and pills, his journal and a pen. After carefully swallowing all his daily drugs as he would so often call them, he decided to relax by writing down the lyrics he heard. Kyungsoo was always writing on his journal, even during classes, it wasn't anything big, maybe just a few stories and personal thoughts, lyrics or some sketches. He wrote down what inspired him, what he felt deep inside and oh today how he was inspired!

 

 

 

Ghost,

I see you standing there,

Don't turn away,

I want you to stay.

Ghost, what's your name?

Why so surprised?

I'm interested...

You're just a soul that blends into the crowd,

I hear you so loud no one else hears a sound,

You reach out your hand no one else feels a thing,

And I'm just a stranger who could be a friend...

You could have been so great,

I won't let you slip away,

Is there any hope for us left,

Even a Ghost needs a friend...

You could have been someone,

But you let them into your head,

I want you to know this is instead,

That I see the light in your chest...

Ghost,

Where you from?

I can take you away, so far away,

Ghost, I'll make sure they all see,

The kind of man, that you can be...

Open your lungs and inhale my words,

I see in your eyes a reflection of hurt,

The book in your mind hasn't come to an end,

There's always a page, that hasn't been read...

You could have been so great,

I won't let you slip away,

Is there any hope for us left,

Even a Ghost needs a friend...

You could have been someone,

But you let them into your head,

I want you to know this is instead,

That I see the light in your chest...

Your heart, it beats, forever, forever, we see,

I will believe, that there's a Ghost in me...

Your lungs they breathe, forever, forever, we see,

I will believe...

 

 

 

 

As he was humming his favorite song he had listened for the third time that morning, a skinny blond haired boy sat in front of him, contemplating the concentration of his friend. Baekhyun never understood how he was able to be this focused on something, having this funny amazing ability to erase everything around him. But it wasn't always a quality as he would be like this most of the time, which led him to the reputation of being a simple-minded guy or a little bit stupid. Which he wasn't. Kyungsoo was in fact on top of his class without hardly studying, he wasn't first though, always saying that he would never bother on trying so hard just to prove himself to people he would never meet again.

Baekhyun pulled out one of Kyungsoo's earbud gently, Kyungsoo was easily startled. Kyungsoo smiled at his friend warmly, happy to see him, genuinely happy.

'Pack your things Muffin, we start with Korean class in five. With the intro... ' Kyungsoo had already stopped listening.

Baekhyun loved to give everyone nicknames, especially Kyungsoo and his boyfriend. Every occasion was a good one and they didn't mind, it was Baekhyun after all. They walked side by side, Baekhyun talking and Kyungsoo listening or at least trying, kind of again deeply lost in his pool of thoughts. The school wasn't as big as a traditional one, but it felt the same with the same kind of walls and the same kind of stairs.

The establishment had been recommended to him, knowing he would like it there. And they were absolutely right. Kyungsoo never understood this will they had to standardize everybody and everything, the students were they own selves and teenagers shouldn't be trying to be put into molds, it will never be a good method and that was why Kyungsoo asked to be in a more liberate school, with a slightly different mindset. They believed in equity, creativity and communication. It wasn't the typical school where the principal was some kind of god with angel teachers ruling over them.

It was not perfect but it wasn't bad at all.

And Baekhyun had to follow. They had been in the same class since forever, one class in middle school tried to separate them and they got scared by their parents threats, or more Baekhyun's saying he would kidnap Kyungsoo and live on their own in a tent if they tried, and knowing the bossy chatty boy, they found it best not to wake the devil. They met Oh Sehun in their first year of high school and Baekhyun fell in love.

They were now in their senior year and the three were known around the school, acknowledging them as the three musketeers or like the couple and the third wheeler.

Kyungsoo was a little jealous of their love, as himself had never fallen for anyone, not even a single crush. But he was always late for that kind of things, he could solve maths problems in a blink of an eye, crush the Korean teacher with a beautifully written essay but he was terrible at feelings, at social skills, at being a teenager. He was soon to be 20 and felt like he was seeing his youth slipping through his fingers. But they were all understanding, he had issues, still had some and it wasn't easy. He just had to adjust and Kyungsoo was happy he had Sehun and Baekhyun to help. Jongdae helped in a way, but he would always bring more pain than relief.

When they stepped into the class they heard someone run behind them and Kyungsoo was grabbed by the handle of his backpack and pulled back.

'Kyungsoo,' Yixing tried to speak catching on his breath. He bent and put his hands on his knees as if it would help him recover for the probable few miles he had to run to be on time, in order not to be fired for excessive delays.

'Please lend me Monsoon tonight, I know he helps you sleep better and I really need to stop being late.'

'I am not lending my cat to you. He would bite your toes in your sleep,' Kyungsoo replied blankly turning away to join his seat, Baekhyun laughing tears.

'Yah Do Kyungsoo! Don't think me being the teacher intern will help you when you talk back to the teachers. Respect me.' And he disappeared.

The Korean teacher entered and asked for silence, the students politely went to their own desks in silence. Kyungsoo noticed the tall boy behind the teacher and he turned to Baekhyun and Sehun behind him.

He could hear Baekhyun whisper an 'If you had listened to me this morning you would know', Kyungsoo wasn't always this curious but something was up. The teacher talked about administrative things up and there but Kyungdoo couldn't leave his eyes from the boy. He seemed nervous, shaking from a leg to another and his hands tied behind his back. His hair was black and styled backward, clearing his forehead. His ears were a little funny, bigger than usual, or that Kyungsoo was used to see. He was wearing a light blue long sleeved summer shirt, a little unbuttoned and a black pair of jeans. He was wearing his backpack on one shoulder, which would sometimes lose balance as he was swinging back and forth. But the thing that was happening in his eyes, Kyungsoo had goosebumps. the look of an innocent child but not so much, genuine and candid yet so handsome and manly. Kyungsoo didn't understand.

'There is a new transfer student, I hope you will all treat him well. Would you like to say a few words?' She said looking at him.

He stepped forward and recited his speech :

'Hello everyone, My name is Park Chanyeol and I hope we can be good friends. I like music the most and I know Sehun there in the back. Hi Sehunnie !' He paused waving at him, Kyungsoo looked at Sehun like he was owning him an explanation. 'I know I came two weeks later than you all but please take care of me.' He bowed under the claps of his new classmates. He walked in the alley and sat in the only empty seat in the classroom, beside Kyungsoo.

Kyungsoo didn't clap, Kyungsoo wasn't smiling, he was absolutely terrified by the context. Something was up with his body, his heart beating way too fast for his own taste. He stared at Chanyeol who was sitting on the chair next to him, and when the latter noticed, extended his pretty long arm and said: 'nice to meet you ?'

'His name is Do Kyungsoo,' Baekhyun told his best friend with his gaze 'don't be rude say hello to the other human being'.

The two boys were shaking hands endlessly and they had to be stopped for the lesson to finally begin, everyone, amused by the scene they had just witnessed.

Everybody was focused on the lesson except Kyungsoo, who was thinking of the lyrics of his favorite song, that one he relied on the most whenever he was losing faith, felt bad or having a hard time. And he wondered why, he was thinking of it at that moment, wondering why he associated it with that guy he had just met. Why was Chanyeol on his mind when he thought of the lyrics?

As he thought, something was up with him. And he had to find out.

But what Kyungsoo didn't know is that it was the feeling he had most waited for, the one he didn't know he would grow to hate, the feeling of losing absolute control.


	2. afraid to be alone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> kyungsoo opens a little

The lessons went by like any other one, except that Kyungsoo was for once focused by something other than his little hard-covered black journal.

While looking at Chanyeol trying to understand the weird writing of the teacher who was actually more like hieroglyphs, Kyungsoo was nervously ripping the colorful stickers that Baekhyun had stuck on his precious diary. He stopped when he noticed his anxiety showing and tried to calm himself.

 

What the hell dude what are you doing?

 

Baekhyun pulled Kyungsoo’s hair to make him turn back when the teacher finally turned around to write another chunk of unreadable words on the big blackboard in front of their eyes.

‘Oooh my that hurts, do you want to die ?’ Kyungsoo glared at his best friend.

‘Cupcake, please can you ask Chanyeol do join us for lunch.’ the blonde haired boy ordered him.

‘No way it is Sehunnie’s friend why would I. Baek I won’t speak to a stranger.’ Kyungsoo sounded like he was asked to plant pineapples in the ice, but he didn’t have to ask.

‘It would be a pleasure to join you guys for lunch, even more, if it is with you Kyungsoo-ah.’ Chanyeol whispered before all of them were scolded by the teacher, blaming them to be making a huge mess in the classroom when genuinely no one was actually listening to her.

Kyungsoo was flushed by embarrassment, even more, when Chanyeol looked at him and smiled widely, and murmured a simple ‘don’t worry ’.

That boy really was something.

 

 

 

The bell finally rang, announcing lunchtime to a bunch of starved teens, Baekhyun groaning in relief leading the rest of the group to the cafeteria. Because it is known that every band has a leader and Baekhyun was one the of theirs. They never voted, and never questioned it. It was better not anyway.

That day's menu wasn’t anything special, but it wasn’t gross either. Kyungsoo was sitting besides Sehun, in front of Chanyeol. And the rounded eyes boy who was usually annoyed, to say the least by the noises in the cafeteria was amusingly quiet about it and did not complain for once. He just ate his lunch quietly, actually enjoying it much more than expected. He would not so often eat there, preferring the calmness of the classroom and eat what he packed from home, or sometimes just a few snacks at the library, while journaling and reading.

They chatted the whole time, and even Kyungsoo tried to place a few words into the conversation, Chanyeol always reacting so well to him. People liked Kyungsoo but it was difficult to approach him in the first place, his shell was a really thick one and had troubles to open up to strangers. However, it wasn’t the case with the newly transferred student, who was simply like a polar opposite to him.

In a gap of a few hours, he seemed to have befriended the whole place, his smile and contagious laugh who might have helped a lot. Kyungsoo could not stop looking at him, as much as he tried there was something about his face. It could not be denied, Chanyeol was handsome, he could definitely be a model, and Kyungsoo imagined in a perfume commercial, those sensual yet so innocent ones who made you want to put those insanely good looking people in a museum and stare at them all day long. That was how handsome Kyungsoo thought Chanyeol was.

_Is that a dimple I can see? No that’s not it._

And later in the class, before the second period started and waiting for the following teacher, Sehun and Baekhyun almost fell from their chairs when Kyungsoo answered one of Chanyeol’s questions. When they say that Kyungsoo lacks in social skills they are absolutely not joking. He was in addition pretty shy and a deep introvert.

Baekhyun just gave up sitting next to him during classes because he would simply get bored. He loved his best friend dearly but he was always writing or sketching something and Baek would try anything to get his attention. One day he sat next to his boyfriend and the worst thing was that it took Kyungsoo two weeks to notice Baekhyun’s absence. After that had happened, Baekhyun stopped talking to Kyungsoo for two weeks in order to punish him. So Kyungsoo talking to Chanyeol, just like that, that was something else.

The first week went by quickly, followed by another one and so on. On Monday of the third week after Chanyeol’s transfer, the whole class stopped breathing.

Kyungsoo entered the class looking the same, with the same face, same hairstyle, same glasses, same everything. Except that something really big had changed, signing a turning point on his own reputation, that would start feeding all the newborns rumors.

Kyungsoo passed in front of his friends and before sitting he greeted Chanyeol and stole his cap to put on his own head. Everybody freaked out except Chanyeol who had no idea what was going on in that madhouse. His confusion was simply hilarious to Sehun and Baekhyun, while poor Kyungsoo was hiding his face in his hands wondering what Yixing had cooked for breakfast to make him act that way. That was it, he now just wanted to go back to bed, cuddle Monsoon and never come back to school. And then classes began and the student finally quiets down, not Chanyeol’s curiosity who was starting to question how mysterious and popular his neighbor was for all to make such a fuss about that. he just thought it was sweet and was happy to lend him his cap as long as he wanted.

The four boys decided to go out on Friday after school to show Chanyeol their favorite places as they didn’t found the time beforehand. First stop of the night, the arcade room. It was Baekhyun’s choice, he loved that place and was like his second home.

‘I swear Chanyeol,’ Sehun whispered to him when his boyfriend started acting overboard and dragging Kyungsoo to the basketball game. ‘This guy has been my boyfriend for almost 3 years and he spends more time here than my own house. My parents once joked with me saying he was having an affair with someone here and I swear to god it was believable.’ They followed the two smaller boys who were deeply involved in their fight, but unfortunately for Baekhyun, Kyungsoo was scoring a lot more points than him.

‘Baekhyun-ah, don’t get mad baby, you already know Kyungsoo is going to win’ Sehun mocked his boyfriend pouting, under Chanyeol’s tears. The tall black haired boy was easy to make laugh, and Kyungsoo noticed that he had this funny yet painful habit to punch people around him when laughing too hard. He was so adorable. After playing for a while, Baekhyun losing every time and Sehun making fun of him, Kyungsoo followed Chanyeol in a more quiet area, the taller felt Kyungsoo uncomfortable when the later it got, the louder it became. Outside the arcade was that claw machine with those cute dolls in it. There were a lot of them inside but it somehow felt different. Kyungsoo looked at it and maybe he looked at it for a second too long, Chanyeol was already trying to get one of those.

‘Chanyeol,’ Kyungsoo said softly. ‘Don’t waste your money on those, it's really not worth it, really these dolls are for children and…’

Chanyeol handed him the doll he succeeded to catch, too fast it made Kyungsoo stop talking, jaw reaching the floor in surprise.

‘I don’t think dolls are only for children. I have a wolf doll that I like to hug when I sleep. Let’s find the happy couple and move on to our next stop.’

Kyungsoo stared at the stuffed animal, a small penguin with big giggly eyes and when Chanyeol was out of sight he hugged it warmly, smiling so wide the passerby could sense the bright shine in the dark night.

Their next spot was a coffee shop who wasn’t too far from their school so Chanyeol took a wild guess that it was the spot to go after classes. Chanyeol wanted to treat his friends for coffee and asked what they wanted, it would be bubble tea for the couple and iced tea for Kyungsoo but when he went to take the order, Kyungsoo just followed him, pretending to his smirking friends it was to help Chanyeol but they all noticed how tight he was holding onto the penguin. And Baekhyun was sure of it, sure that something was going on between them, or at least in the future, he had never seen his friend acting that way with anyone.

They enjoyed their treat, they talked and joked around, Chanyeol staring at Kyungsoo laughing at Baekhyun being teased by Sehun and getting all mad. It had been a great night, and Chanyeol was happy he moved to that school.

 

 

 

 

Their school took after classes clubs really seriously, and every single student had the obligation to participate in those activities. They had clubs for every other taste, from cooking to film club, every other sport, and even gardening. You could think, how bad is that school to force students to take these options but the basics lessons they had made the days shorter in order to make them have time for all the clubs. And students seemed to enjoy them. Kyungsoo had had a lot of trouble to choose them, and the principal running out of patience as he was the last student of the entire school to give his application, told him that unfortunately all his options chose were full and crowded and that he would be assigned to some randomly. So he got film making, gardening, and sports. He wasn’t too mad about it, Baek was on the film making project and Chanyeol in the sports group. Kyungsoo had chosen sports anyway and that was the only thing he really wanted. He didn’t know anyone in the gardening club but they all knew him which was a little bit odd to him. When did he get so popular anyone, he hardly spoke to anyone.

The Film club was really nice, they would have to make a little clip for the end of the year, anything they would like to do, they were absolutely free, there were just two rules, no 19+ rated scenes even if they were 19, and it shouldn’t offend anyone’s liberty so they had to think wisely and be original. But apart from this, they would edit some stuff, or just watch movies and talk about it.

For the sports class, it was a little bit more complicated. Kyungsoo had some issues. Somedays it was the knees, some other days it was the knuckles, some days his entire body. He was being treated with local treatments that weren’t really efficient. No one really knew what it was. The only thing that really worked was sports. He had to be isolated from sports that involved him of intense cardio such as soccer and basketball, group activities to be more precise. So he would train by himself, the P.E teacher could not always look after him so he was assisted by the school nurse, Mr. Kim, who funny enough was a former athlete and had even won a medal at the Olympics. That was the official statement, what they would talk about behind his back, too afraid to ask what the real problem was. 

During all his high school days had been like this, and students didn’t really question it, except Chanyeol. He was new so for him everything about Kyungsoo was confusing. why did a healthy guy like him would not be able to participate? He got that he was an introverted being but that couldn’t be the reason. They were playing soccer and when they got a little break he went to a boy of his class that knew Kyungsoo for sure.

‘Dongmin can I ask you something ?’ The boy nodded and Chanyeol pursued. ‘Why is that Kyungsoo always have sports on his own ?’

‘Well I wish I could answer but you are actually closer to him than anybody in this school except for Sebaek, so … To be fair I wonder sometimes but it is not our place to ask but I have heard he has some health business going on that they won’t talk about.’

Chanyeol thanked the boy and headed to the locker room, the club wasn’t done but he got tired, and he didn’t like that Dongmin’s single answer had made a thousand other question raised in his head. He passed in front of the gymnasium, the smaller one, where Kyungsoo was with the nurse. He watched them for a while before being dragged back to reality by the school bell, telling everyone to go home.

He waited for Kyungsoo and they went together to wash up, and then go home.

They walked side by side in the city street, busy as it was always like in Seoul. it was almost dark, the days getting shorter telling them that soon autumn would arrive. They blabbered about nothing and everything, feeling comfortable around each other. Kyungsoo hadn’t felt this feeling of having a new friend for so long and it made him happy. They talked about their houses and how actually close they lived from each other like probably three streets down and how long the bus ride was as they needed to pass through Gangnam when everybody was getting to work in the morning, no other bus would go to their school. That was the price of living so far from the school. They also talked about school memories and funny sorties, about Yixing living at Kyungsoo’s and how it was like him learning Korean. Pets were the hottest topic, Chanyeol was a bit sad he couldn’t have one but he was at school all day and his sister busy working so it wouldn’t be fair for him. Monsoon was different because he was used to be outside and Chestnut was Mrs. Do’s shadow. Kyungsoo asked how he should name the penguin he had given him and that was their last topic. And when Chanyeol arrived in front of Kyungsoo’s door, he jokingly said to him:

‘I think you should name him Yeollie, so you’ll always have me by your side.’

What he didn’t expect was the smaller to agree before closing his door, leaving Chanyeol’s heart beating in a very odd volume.

Kyungsoo stepped inside and almost immediately wished he hadn’t been seen and run after Chanyeol. His parents were fighting again and it was one of those nights when he would get involved against his will. Why there were fighting? Simple question. It was always for the same things. Health insurances, Kyungsoo’s absences or Jongdae. It was usually about Jongdae.

‘Did you send him pocket money again ?’ Kyungsoo heard his dad scold his mom. ‘You know how this boy is, he only gives us trouble. Nothing but trouble.’

‘Don’t talk like this honey, he is our son after all.’

‘i know but we can’t always have his back or he is going to suck us dry’ Mr. Do seemed really pissed this time. ‘Kyungsoo did you went missing from one of your classes again ?’ He added.

‘Yes, dad. I wasn’t feeling well so I stayed at the nurse office and he let me sleep longer than I should’ve.’

‘How will you get a diploma if you always miss class huh? Mrs.Do entered the hexagon.

‘Can we please not argue again about this? I am tired from P.E so…’

’There you go again running away from responsibilities.’

Kyungsoo wanted to cry so bad at that moment but it would not help win the argument if he wept. But they always won them anyway so why bother getting more hurt. He was tired and that was why he grew fond of ‘living alone’. And he didn’t like how they talked about his twin brother, bad mouthing him all the time and despite everything he had done, it was still Kyungsoo’s brother and he loved him so much. He was in Singapore for almost two years when he was supposed to be there only a few months. He knew his parents kept him away, and because of finances it was easier to keep him there and just rarely going home for holidays. But Kyungsoo didn’t have the money to go and his parents wouldn’t pay.

So there he was, living apart from his twin brother for almost two years. The reason he was sent there in the first place was stupid in his mind. Jongdae dreamt of fame. He had always been that goofy guy, wanting to be in the music industry the moment he starts walking. And the day the school called to say that Jongdae missed an entire day of exams to audition for an entertainment company, Kyungsoo’s world fell apart again. The very next day, without even telling him, Jongdae was put in a plane to Singapore for him to live in that boarding school.

Kyungsoo ignored his parents and slammed the door of his bedroom under his parent's protests.

He texted to Jongdae. He put his earphones on, grabbed Monsoon who was hiding under the bed and laid in his bed, hugging the furball tightly. He saw the penguin and hugged it as well, making it a group thing. It was from far not the worse fight he has ever been on but it wasn’t a good day, probably not even a good week. He stayed still in his bed staring at the ceiling, trying to clear his head of everything.

And he wished he could stop feeling things, being able to reject all this pain he was gathering inside, his family included he wished they weren’t related so he wouldn’t have to bear with them. He loved them so much he felt all their emotions, especially the bad ones. He felt his mother’s sorrow and his dad’s guilt. He felt Jotgdae’s anger and loss of trust in his own blood and that was the worse. Kyungsoo wanted to know.

 

 

_I can’t even bear my own emotions why do I have to feel the others? Why can't’ just be left alone?_

 

_I don’t want to love anyone anymore, it just brings me pain._

 

 

Kyungsoo wanted to scream, to tell everyone to just fuck themselves, that he didn’t need anyone. But he couldn’t say it, everything he thought was pure lies. He grabbed his notebook and wrote a song he liked and fitted the situation to the perfection, wetting the paper in the way.

 

 

 

I learned to let go when I was younger,

Scared of growing old,

I would swim far into the ocean,

& Try to stay afloat,

Until my lungs would cough up water,

& Sand would coat my bones, & I hope,

That someday I'll open up the floodgates,

& Let the lyrics flow,

Someday I'll understand the dry taste,

When the words are trapped below,

Some days I wonder if my airway,

Is clogged with all the quotes, that I wrote...

I feel worthless,

Maybe I should open the drawer,

Burn the pages,

Write poems with the ash on the floor,

Pour the ink, into the sink,

& Watch it drain from the shore...

I don't want love no more,

Though it's the one thing I've been searching for,

Though it's the one thing that I miss the most,

Now I'm afraid to be alone...

I learnt to grow old when I was younger,

Scared of staying young,

Afraid of the thoughts that I had conjured,

That sat atop my tongue,

Knowing I'd change the worlds opinion,

If they would just, listen up...

But they won't, now...

I feel worthless,

Maybe I should open the drawer,

Burn the pages,

Write poems with the ash on the floor,

Pour the ink, into the sink,

& Watch it drain from the shore...

I don't want love no more,

Though it's the one thing I've been searching for,

Though it's the one thing that I miss the most,

Oh, I'm afraid to be alone...

Looking in the mirror like,

Maybe I will find myself tonight,

I ask for a better mind,

Then tap into the site through my third eye...

I had never realized,

I thought I had chosen my design,

I thought I was broken all this time...

I don't want love no more,

Though it's the one thing I've been searching for,

Though it's the one thing that I miss the most,

Oh, I'm afraid to be alone...

 

 

‘Don’t worry,’ Kyungsoo whispered to the purring kitty, between sobs. ‘You, Yeollie, and I are going to be fine. I promise you.’

But he didn’t believe a word of it.


	3. and I bleed when I fall down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Depression and past

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it contains some graphic images, pet death, mention of suicide, illness.

Chanyeol wasn’t a soccer fan as people could think of him, being in the school team. He had played since as long as he could remember, but it was for him only a simple way to waste his infinite amount of energy. Only a hobby, but not a passion like some of the other guys there. Chanyeol only was interested in music. He played a wide range of instruments, and for the ones he hadn’t had the chance to try, he was looking forward to. He produced a few kinds of stuff, with all the material he had bought and bargained from shops. He wrote songs but he wasn’t that good, he preferred playing with the notes and then arranging them as he liked, changing them endlessly until reaching his perfection. Chanyeol thought of music as a healing tool, helping lost souls and desperate minds.

His parents had died when he was in the first year of middle school, they were both volunteering in a refugee camp in the middle east and fate being that cruel thing, made both of them die of a very virulent disease, leaving a woman fresh out of medical school in charge of a middle school boy. Why would God take to perfectly healthy human beings, loving people who were there to help unfortunate people and giving their time to build a better world for their children? Everyone reacts differently to death, and for Chanyeol he felt like being in denial forever. He didn’t cry much as they had been gone for so long, he just put it in a tiny corner of his mind, telling himself they were just in a very long trip and would be coming back eventually. And that’s how he thought he had moved on. But he wasn’t counting on his sister being a psychiatrist, herself in sorrow but analyzing her own brother, making sure he wasn’t mourning in the wrong way.

Chanyeol was walking around his neighborhood one afternoon and it was not a good day, to begin with, and the shops were full of cards, flowers and gifts ideas to be bought, it was a special day, it was mother’s day. And then it stroke him almost instantly, his head spinning, making him dizzy. He sat and the nearest bench and grabbed his hair in his hands, weeping his loss so long after the tragedy occurred. He didn’t have a mother anymore. She wouldn’t come back. Ever. And the same for his father. He would never talk much about them, even to Sehun.

Soccer was the only thing him and his father had in common so it was like a tribute to him to continue. Yoora was already walking on her mother's path, taking over her psychiatry practice.

Not long after the funeral, he met Sehun on the soccer club, and they just clicked. Like Chanyeol, Sehun wasn’t that much a fan of soccer but he enjoyed being in a team, having friends. They had a lot in common, they both liked rap and were insanely tall, endless romantics who only wished to find their ones. They both liked boys and even though Sehun had pretty much known it all his life, Chanyeol was a little bit more confused. They noticed it when they had their first crush, together on the same person. It was Lee Minho the captain of their soccer team. How original.

Chanyeol was confident he liked human beings and not a specific gender if that made any sense to anyone in that world when those topics are not talked about, but then again he wasn’t so eager to find that out, he would know by the time his heart would fall for someone regardless of gender, to whom his heart would belong to. He could even fall for an alien for all he cared.

Sehun moved and they kept contact once in a while, texting about what was known in their lives and Chanyeol was so happy when Sehun told him he was dating someone from his new school. He seemed so in love it was almost disgusting but what could he say? Sehun was happy and envied that sentiment. But after two years, Chanyeol started to be gloomy on a regular basis and it worried Yoora.

Chanyeol was popular but had no close friend, he would usually stick to a few only, even if pretty much got along with everybody. But the tall boy simply missed his friend and wanted something else, and maybe a different environment would suit him better. The siblings agreed it was time to move on and he transferred school two weeks after the beginning of the academic year, making Sehun a little excited as he hadn’t seen Chanyeol for so long, happy they would be going to the same school. He remembered the text he got from him, saying :

 

 _Sehunnie, let's see each other every day from now on. I am transferring. I can't_ wait! _:D_

 

Baekhyun had heard so much about Chanyeol, that he too grew a little nervous to be meeting his longtime boyfriend’s best friend, and as for Kyungsoo, he was clueless until the very end.

They thought of moving as they lived quite far from the new school, but Yoora had private practice attached to their house, with her patients and she didn’t want to confuse them with moving or losing patients she had seen for so long. Some lived close by and could come on foot, she liked that proximity.

And Chanyeol somehow found himself enjoying the long walk to the school, or the bus ride when it wasn’t too crowded. And there was Kyungsoo now, they walked home together only, the smaller going too early for him to classes.

But when it was Chanyeol who would seek for him at the library knowing Kyungsoo always lost track of time, he didn’t know that Kyungsoo came to his practice in secret, hidden under his loyal black cap and hood.

Kyungsoo started coming after they first walked home together, and would leave a little before they finished and go back to the library. He stayed at the bleachers and observed the boys running and training, jumping and exercising, sweaty as hell. And sometimes, Kyungsoo would write things down, about what he saw and what he felt, sketching them when they took a break, panting heavily, drinking from their water bottles eagerly as soon as the coach called them back to the field. That one day, Kyungsoo felt like sketching Chanyeol, in a very aesthetic position, like he was posing just for him to see. He was sitting on the grass slightly tilted to the back, leaning on his long arms. His legs were crossed and he was exposing his face to the last rays of sunshine of the day, for the last days of the summer. He was smiling. 'Chanyeol's smile would radiate an entire stadium,' the smaller thought.

Kyungsoo centered his attention, completely undistracted by his surroundings. He was so focused on Chanyeol that he didn’t even notice Sehun sitting a few steps behind him. The orange-haired boy was being dispensed from the practice and was really surprised when he saw Kyungsoo sitting on the bleachers right in front of him, clueless of his friend presence. First Sehun wondered what he was doing there, but then he noticed Chanyeol and Kyungsoo’s gaze at him. Sehun let out a surprised exclamation and wasn’t even worried go being find out by Kyungsoo. It wouldn’t happened anyway.

Kyungsoo hasn’t always been this mysterious. he changed over time and Baekyhun watched him come and go on tricky roads and felt sorry for him. Sitting in his friend living room chatting with his mother who was like his own, he was thinking. Life didn’t spare Kyungsoo and had been really unfair on so many sides. It wasn’t like everything had struck him once, no. That would be too easy. They all pilled up, and once they were done dealing with a problem, another one came and so on. Life was playing with his nerves until he shattered into hundreds of pieces.

It had started the summer before entering middle school. Jongdae and Kyungsoo were watching a late night movie while their mother was walking the two pups they owned, Milk and Chestnut, two beautiful Jack Russel terrier. Mrs. Do took the habit over time to walk them unleashed when it was this late when she was sure no cars would come by, the pups were very obedient. Jongdae had fallen asleep on Kyungsoo's shoulder and I was soon to doze off as well when I heard the front door burst open. Kyungsoo’s mother was screaming loud and I ran to her to see what was going on. She was holding Milk, breathing hard, blood on her sides.

 _‘Kyungsoo go to our neighbors now and ask them to watch over Jongdae. Now!’_ Baekhyun remembered the trauma his friend had been through and how it had been the beginning of everything. As he had not been able to talk about it for so long, he wrote everything on the first journal he ever owned, and let Baekhyun read it. And the blond haired boy remembered the words written clearly:

_‘I did as I was told and when the next door lady arrived I quickly sat on the passenger seat of the car, mom behind the wheel. She handed me my little pup wrapped in a towel, obviously struggling for air. Mom started the car and drove us to the closest emergency vet she knew about, as fast as she could. She was shaking._

_I asked my mom, terrified while holding the dog, what had happened and Why was milk smelling so weird._

_She kindly asked me to be brave, that Milk had been run over by a car next to the park. Nobody to see her mother cry. She was worried, and I knew at that moment that whatever would come out at the end of this, I should not cry. I needed to strong and brave as Mom said. She stopped the car and run to my side, quickly opening the door and grabbing Milf from my arms, disappearing inside the vet practice. I first wondered why was I there, why didn’t she asked Jongdae or my dad. But my father was abroad for business and in the end, it was always my mom who handled the crisis. She needed someone to hold the dog while she was driving, and Jongdae was too much of an anxious being to handle this kind of pressure, so I was the only one left on her list. She probably didn’t want to expose me like this as I was merely 12 years old. I gathered all my courage and followed my mom inside. The veterinarian was checking our pup but I knew by the look of his eyes that everything was over. He was honest, purely honest when he announced that there was nothing left to do, that milk had only a few minutes left to live. All her organs were bleeding, smashed. I felt like throwing up at that moment, seeing the graphic images in my head. Why did death had such a strong smell anyway? Disgusting._

_Less than an hour ago I was watching a movie with my twin sleeping beside me. When did it go this fast, but still seems like hours went by? Milk was condemned and the last thing to do was to end her life faster, to stop her pain. He gave us a minute to say goodbye, and we petted her, whispered prayers on her furry ears. It was the first time I ever hat to give up on someone I love, and even though it was a human being I loved my pet more than members of my family, I am close only to the people I live with. I loved Milk so much, I was twelve and inexperienced, I had never been exposed to death before, nor was I taught how to say goodbye. The vet came back and asked us if we were ready. Who is ever ready? State of shock, my ears went soundproof. It felt like a bad dream, a terrible nightmare. I could only think of chestnut, and how would I explain to my pup that her sister would never be back? And I cried. I thought of Jongdae, how I would probably die if he ever died himself. The three of us slept together, comforting one another. I woke up the next day by my dad stroking my hair, telling me how good I had been, that I was brave. He apologized I had to witness all of it. And we never really talked about it again, everybody wanted to move on._

_But a few months later, things started to go wrong. I was having nightmares, terrors, waking up in the middle of the night screaming as I was being murdered, to wake up in the morning not remembering anything, my family all worked up because of me. I then had insomnias, affecting my school life, not being able to wake up and made very moody but people would say it was normal, I was going through my teenage years, that it will pass. But is it normal for teenagers to have night terrors? Or to have painful joints when they are still growing? Everything felt funny, my body changed and hurt, I couldn’t live like any other kid. Jongdae started to grow apart, he said I changed for the worse. No one believed me and I shut up. I stopped complaining. One night though, I dropped my chopsticks over dinner because my hands were burning like hell and moving my fingers were too much effort to ask and that’s the moment my parents took me to a doctor. He could tell right away._

_Psoriatic arthritis._

_I had no idea what that was, but I was told it was a genetic disease, that affected the skin and the joints, an inflammatory syndrome. Yes, my body is burning. What I found hilarious was that the pains the itchy feelings, the rednesses, and the scales would increase if I ever stressed out or any other negativity. That disease was stressing me out. It is a loop, my life is a loop I can’t ever escape from. We tried a lot of treatments but none of them were efficient. I was desperate, and I wanted to die. For a time I even blamed Jongdae, that I was the ill one and not him, that he didn’t have this strange fate, not having to look after himself like I had to, to be carefree, to live shamelessly like any teenager. We are fraternal twins and this is why it was possible. I hated myself because of that, how can a brother wish something this bad to his own blood? Now that I reflect on this, it is better for me to be like this than him, I know I would have tortured myself if he was ill. I have always been like this, willing to take all of his pain to myself to free him. But I can no longer afford to be this selfless, nor the patience. I refused to talk to anyone, even my Baekhyun. But that is far from being the worst. We found a treatment, one to self inject with syringes, and it changed my life. It worked so well. But when someone is starting to be depressed and probably the first symptom of depression his sabotage. Self-sabotage. I was killing my own happiness telling myself it wouldn’t the last. You know, Kyungsoo don’t be too happy, prepare yourself to something bad so you won’t be hurt. Is that the end? No. Nothing is ever perfect, my treatment was immunosuppressant and it made me catch every single virus in the air. And something else was wrong with me. My coughs are odd the doctor said. Is it asthma ? could it be another genetic disease? Maybe._

_Again I was diagnosed with another chimera. Something I can’t even today pronounce. I still don’t exactly know what that is, I just know it is something about proteins not working well and attacking my lungs. The irony is that I would probably never have found out if I didn’t take that treatment that was as much healing than killing me. And I was right. Something that bad had happened and I was right not to enjoy my short time happiness. I would have fallen from so high. My life is terrible. I am not even twenty and I have to worry all my life about things like that. I think every day of running away, finding a way to escape this madness. Why me? Will anyone ever love like this? Shouldn’t I just die? I don’t know anymore. I don’t want to leave my bed anymore, I don’t want to see anyone, I want to stay in the dark and that everyone forgets about me. But I go to school every day, I have to pretend I am doing well not to be a burden to anyone, I smile wide when inside nothings left. I cry. Why do I have to live like this? I wish someone could help me, I can’t get up by myself, I am not strong enough. I am broken, so broken._ ’

 

I can hold my breath

I can bite my tongue

I can stay awake for days

If that’s what you want

Be your number one

I can fake a smile

I can force a laugh

I can dance and play the part

If that’s what you ask

Give you all I am

I can do it

I can do it

I can do it

But I’m only human

And I bleed when I fall down

I’m only human

And I crash and I break down

Your words in my head, knives in my heart

You build me up and then I fall apart

'Cause I’m only human, yeah

I can turn it on

Be a good machine

I can hold the weight of worlds

If that’s what you need

Be your everything

I can do it

I can do it

I'll get through it

But I’m only human

And I bleed when I fall down

I’m only human

And I crash and I break down

Your words in my head, knives in my heart

You build me up and then I fall apart

'Cause I’m only human, yeah

I’m only human

I’m only human

Just a little human

I can take so much

Until I’ve had enough

‘Cause I’m only human

And I bleed when I fall down

I’m only human

And I crash and I break down

Your words in my head, knives in my heart

You build me up and then I fall apart

‘Cause I’m only human, 

Baekhyun finished reading Kyungsoo’s diary and they never talked again about it, there was no need, he didn’t have to relive traumas every single time they would bring it up. And the words spoke for themselves, the song lyrics he had copied and written down, expressed pretty clearly what he was feeling, what his mindset was at that time. Probably still nowadays. He understood his feelings and never question them. He knew as well as he was starting to get depressed, he wouldn’t hurt himself physically and found him wrist slit open in his bathroom. At least that. Baekhyun also at that moment noticed how well Kyungsoo was good with words, they were so young when he had written this, maybe 14 years old. Kyungsoo never expressed his feelings vocally, very rarely. It was a privilege to read his notes and was also surprised when Kyungsoo pleaded him to read it. He would have to take good care of him, his precious friend. Kyungsoo felt like Baekhyun was taking pity of him, his problem with the situation wasn’t that he was being nursed by his best friend, it was more like he felt like bothering him, he would grow to dislike him as much as he dislikes himself and he didn’t want it. Kyungsoo pushed him away, thinking it would be for the best, being harsh and rude to him, being mean to a certain extent. But Baekhyun being Baekhuyn, he was a fierce one and nothing could make him give up, only if he wanted it. He told Kyungsoo :

‘Shut up moron, you are stuck with me, forever.’

And life resumed, everything falling into a perfect routine until Park Chanyeol stepped in their lives.

But maybe that was what Kyungsoo needed. Someone to shake him out of his routine, to show him things he didn't wish to see or feel.

 

 

 

‘Yixing hyung,’ Kyungsoo asked walking his elder to the check-in of Incheon airport. ‘How did you met her again? Was it on a dating app ?’ The older Chinese male was about to go back to China to visit his girlfriend, she was from Beijing. Yixing explained again, they never met when he lived in China as he was from a smaller village. They met in this app where you can talk to people from all over the world. It was supposed to improve international exchanges but he eventually found someone from his own country and eventually fell in love. Kyungsoo liked the idea to share cultural experiences with foreigners, maybe he could try and download the app. He would like to talk about food, but also movies and music.

That same night he downloads the app, put his favorite picture of himself, and a short introduction in English, who said :

 

**Sort guy from Seoul, I would like to know about your place and how you live wherever you’re from. I like writing and music, I am a big fan of Taemin. I like cats and food. Please write to me I don’t bite ;)**

He wondered if the winking emoji wasn’t too much but he left it at that. Kyungsoo got a lot of messages over a few days, mostly foreign girls interested in kpop only willing to talk to him because of that.

Sorry girls, I am more into dudes anyway, can’t be your oppa.

He chatted with a girl from Peru who was genuinely interested in Korean food, a guy from Thailand and one from the USA, a Korean guy who was thinking of moving back to Seoul.

But he talked the most to that one guy, who lived in Jindo island. Kyungsoo seems interested since the first message, that boy was original and funny.

 

_-Hey there, my name is Kim Jongin and I live in Jindo. I am in my senior year. I know it is not fun because I am also Korean but come on, life in Seoul is like living in another country, there is anything to do here, so please, take me out of my extreme boredom._

 

_-Hello Jongin, Do Kyungsoo here. We are the same age so we will talk casually. What do you want to know about here, I have always lived here in Seoul but I am sometimes bored too. How is it like living on an island ?_

 

_-I swear it is boring. I like to dance, but there is no way we can find a good class unless it is traditional, with the old lady down my road. Sorry, not road more like a trail. It smells like fish too. Is it true that it never sleeps? Like here every one is asleep by 11, creepy I am telling you. And we basically all know each other. Like I once skipped school and half an hour later my mom called me screaming my soul away, asking I was in class. Guess what? The only person I saw that morning was the fruit and vegetable lady and I know she is the one who gave my secret away. Dating rumors are the worst it is like leaving like an idol I swear, not living like an idol means having more privacy that living here. Aunties here are like stalkers._

 

_-ahaha it can’t be that bad. Sometimes I wished I live in a small place. Here we hardly know our neighbors. Seoul is very big, I think one lifetime is not enough to know all of Seoul. I live in a neighborhood that isn’t that far from the center but still is a 35 minutes bus drive to my school. Mostly because of traffic. What I like here is that cafes are open very late, or are 24h so…_

 

_-Seems nice, I like coffee. Well, not coffee but what they serve that doesn't contain caffeine. Tell me more about you Kyungsoo :)_

 

 

They kept talking and Kyungsoo liked how easy it was to talk to a stranger when hidden by a screen, it was easy to hide emotions. he started to be on his phone a lot, his friends thinking him crazy of him smiling to his phone and suddenly smile out of the blue. Jongin was a dancer as he understood. He wanted to join the industry like Jongdae. They had similar interests but that wasn’t it. Jongin liked to know about Kyungsoo, finding him interesting and the latter who wasn’t used to so much attention was shining brighter than usual. It wasn’t only about getting to know each other, they shared things, events and things they liked and even though they’ve been talking for only a few days, it was like they have been friends forever. Kyungsoo who was the quiet one in the group already was hardly giving any attention to his fleshed friend, sitting beside him. Baekhyun was getting jealous and moody, directing his negative feelings to his poor boyfriend who didn’t deserve it at all.

Chanyeol, on the other hand, felt a little hurt, they hadn’t been close for so long and it was like they were already growing apart. Kyungsoo even ditched him and went home earlier in order to talk to his new online friend.

During shower time after the training, Chanyeol asked Sehun :

‘Who do you think he is talking to ?’

‘Kyungsoo? I don’t really know but as long as it makes him smile, I don’t care if it’s a bird or the president.’ Sehun shrugged. ‘ You know Chanyeol, I have not seen him smile that much, but Baekhyun told me how happy and lively he was when they were children. I don’t know everything that had happened to him, and I am sorry neither I or Baek can tell you about it. Kyungsoo needs to tell you himself, and he probably needs to build some courage for it.’

‘I didn’t ask.’

‘But I know you are thinking about it. I know you guys are quite close already, and Kyungsoo has never let anyone come to him as he let you in such a short time. Believe me when I say you two have something powerful.’

And Chanyeol couldn’t stop thinking about what Sehun had told him. The thing was that at the moment, Kyungsoo wasn’t smiling because of him, someone away from them, a faceless and nameless guy was doing the job he desperately wanted to do the most. Chanyeol wanted Kyungsoo to stop even for a little while and talk to him, his round eyes and heart-shaped lips to look only at him.

He felt something burning inside his body.

 

 

‘And I think the first sign you notice when you begin to gain feelings towards a person, is just how easily you get jealous when they give others the attention which you crave’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you will like it, it is very depressing though and i apologies if it is a bit confusing.  
> have a nice weekend :)


	4. announcement

To everyone waiting for an update,  
I am very sorry this is taking so long but I had a few unexpected events coming up.  
As I once mentioned in a note, this story is inspired by personal events, mine and people I know to be more precise. So it might change the course I’ve been planning for it.  
I have exams going on and to add more in the list I’ve been hospitalized for a week. I am getting a bit better and I can finally say I’ll be uploading this week.  
I hope you all understand, this story is very important to me and I intend on finishing it.  
Stay healthy and enjoy the stories of this wonderful platform.  



	5. seaside drunk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the band have a little trip to the sea and kyungsoo gets drunk

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let's do this. I wrote all of this after I got home because I was feeling ill. the greatest decision ever because I got so inspired and here we are (I know there are people who write one-shots of 15k words and I wonder how long it takes them to do it). How funny. Let's all write therapeutic fan fictions guys and I will keep wasting all my time reading your stories <3

‘Scissors are stronger than rock so you lose.’

‘In what world is this true Baekhyun,’ Sehun complained leaving Chanyeol disappointingly looking at his fist, wondering how ridiculous his rock was for Baek to come up with such a fantastically childish statement.

‘You sure are not the eldest among us hyung. And stop sticking your tongue out if you don’t want me to swallow it with mine.’

‘Make me.’

‘Okay, that is my cue to leave. But please control your hormones and stay decent, we are still on the train and I don’t want us to be kicked out an hour before reaching our stop.’

Chanyeol made his way to his seat next to Kyungsoo, who was soundly sleeping on their seats. They were a few rows behind their friend’s, those were the cheapest they had found, or that Baekhyun had found since it was all his doing after all.

The boy came up to them the week before asking them if they were free on that weekend, and before they even agreed, he vomited a river of crazy words, stating he had booked a weekend for the four of them at the East Sea because he wanted to see the beach. With his friends. He had booked everything already so the boys did not have many choices but to go, but as the week passed they grew impatient and Chanyeol had started packing as soon as he reached home.

Kyungsoo, on the other hand, felt anxious to leave home, anxious to do something out of his habits. He thought of canceling, finding hundreds of ideas to ditch them until he remembered Baekhyun had known him for the last decade and that it would be stupid to even try to make a fool out of him. Baekhyun was by far not the best with school but oh lord how quick-witted he was.

And he knew all of Kyungsoo’s excuses by now. But he tried not to think too much about it, focusing on his lovely journal and also by texting Jongin who made him rather occupied those days.

Two hours before they had to leave to meet at the station, Kyungsoo called Baekhyun in a slightly panicked tone.

‘Baekhyunnie, I might have forgotten how to pack and I don’t know what to bring with me for a night and two days.’

‘Kyungsoo… You know that the train is leaving soon and that you haven’t started packing and. You know what ? Forget it just take clothes you would normally wear on the weekend, underwear and your toothbrush. For the rest like products you cans share with Chanyeol, he send me that picture on snapchat and I think he got ahead of himself and..’

And Kyungsoo hang up.

He put on his bag what he thought was convenient and comfortable, with socks and underwear, obviously not forgetting his journal and markers.

Who knew what interesting things he could find to draw there, he had never been to the East Sea before. He went to his bathroom to take a new toothbrush in those buy one get one free promotion and buried them in his backpack. He put on his light jacket, the weather was still quiet warm although it was early october and it was never cold this time of the year in Seoul. Chanyeol was waiting for him on his doorstep, smiling big until he saw Kyungsoo’s luggage, then his. They looked at each other before bursting into laughters, the former seemed to be leaving for an entire month as for the latter only for a very usual school day. The contrast was absolutely hilarious and it broke the awkwardness Kyungsoo had feared between them as they were going on a trip together for the first time ever.

‘Kyungsoo-ah,' Chanyeol said cutely. Do you happen to have a toothbrush for me ? I forgot mine.’

‘How did you manage to forget something, you are literally moving out. But don’t worry I’ll give you one.’

‘Thanks. Yeah, I was a little too excited for this. I have never traveled much before, so it is all new to me. What about you ? Have you traveled before.’

They engaged into a long talk about traveling experiences as they walked towards the station.

Kyungsoo told about his mother village in the country were he would go every summer to visit their grandmother near the sea. He also told him about his trip to China where he went to visit Yixing the first time he went back home. And Chanyeol kept listening as the smaller boy told his stories, like he was the new grand explorer and that he had seen every single wonder in the world. But if we were to be honest, Chanyeol would have been paying the same attention if Kyungsoo was reciting the alphabet. Because he drank all of his words, for him they were the sweetest in the world.

They met Sehun and Baekhyun on time and safely got inside the right train, after swearing they were on the right one, before Kyungsoo proved them wrong saying if they stayed on that wagon they’ll be going on the opposite side of Korea and they would have been having a hard time with their high schoolers budget.

‘Okay right,' Sehun stated. ‘ Take notes to always listen to Kyungsoo and not Baekhyun when we travel.’

‘Yah Oh Sehun! You are my boyfriend you must side with me not with this tiny edgy looking dude. This is only expected from Chanyeol, he is so in love already anyway.’

‘What do you mean by that ?’ Chanyeol asked, the flush on his cheeks unbelievably hot.

‘You know exactly what I mean.’ To that Sehun nodded, under his boyfriend approval. And Chanyeol thanked all the gods out there that Kyungsoo was too deeply lost in his own thoughts, guiding them to their seats, and he had not paid attention at all to that embarrassing chat.

 

 

Chanyeol sat on the very edge of the seats, afraid of waking Kyungsoo up as he was sleeping so soundly. Since the first quarter of their journey, the poor boy started yawning and dozed off on Chanyeol’s shoulder as they were listening to music together, the taller boy enjoying the playlist. He insisted the boy laid down for a while that it was perfectly fine to check on the others and standing for a while, pretending his legs were to long to stayed seated do long even though they had been there for only 20 minutes.

Kyungsoo was too tired to protest and rested his head on the seat, smuggling on himself, how convenient it was at that moment not to be as tall as Chanyeol. He watched the boy sleeping, imagining how difficult it was for him to be sleeping at night if he could just nap like this in the morning, exhausted like he was.

He had asked Baekhyun when he joined them, if it was right to let hime sleep, and the couple salty nodded. He explained that Kyungsoo had a lot of insomnias and that was why teachers would not scold him during class if he napped a little. Chanyeol did not ask for more, it was not for them to say at the end.

He lifted Kyungsoo’s head and slipped on his seat, gently posing the smaller boy’s head on his lap. Chanyeol could not take his eyes off him, leaving that view would be a huge mistake and he did not care if he sounded creepy. Kyungsoo looked beautiful, he looked entirely at peace. He grabbed Kyungsoo’s phone who was still playing music. He put on the earphones and the song they had listened an hour before was playing again.

 

 

Lately, I'm getting lost on you

You got me doing things I never thought I'd do

Never spent so long on a losing battle

But lately giving up don't seem to matter

Everyday I'm a slave to the heartache

And you're wasting away every night

I don't wanna leave you lonely

But I've run out of love this time

You know that I adore you

Though I couldn't give enough

Hope you'll be safe in the arms of another

'Cause I can't take the weight of your love

Lately, I'm getting lost on you

I tore your world apart like it was nothing new

Never bled so much when I didn't have to

I'm given up on a life lived after

Everyday I'm a slave to the heartache

And you're wasting away every night

I don't wanna leave you lonely

But I've run out of love this time

You know that I adore you

Though I couldn't give enough

Hope you'll be safe in the arms of another

'Cause I can't take the weight of your love

I had a hold on your soul

But I lost my grip, let you go

I should've carried us both

Everyday I'm a slave to the heartache

And you're wasting away every night

Don't wanna leave you lonely

But I've run out of love this time

You know that I adore you

Though I couldn't give enough

Hope you'll be safe in the arms of another

'Cause I can't take the weight of your love

Of your love

Hope you'll be safe in the arms of another

'Cause I can't take the weight of your love

 

 

He got lost on the lyrics and even though he swore to Kyungsoo he would never sleep on the train, he slowly drifted to a sound sleep, wishing they would not miss Buncheon-Yeo station.

Chanyeol was woken up by Kyungsoo telling him they were reaching their stop and that he should not go back to sleep. The group needed to take a bus from the station to go to the Uljin bus terminal, as there was no train deserved to that area. The bus terminal wasn’t big, Uljin was a piece of country, nothing they knew of, being raised in the capital.

Kyungsoo though was reminded of his grandmother, and the place he spend all of his summer holidays, his and Jotgdae’s greatest memories. Family holidays had become bitter when he was send abroad and their parents being less around, so Kyungsoo was getting used to being lonely.

Sehun asked the cashier of the convenience store opposite of the bus stop if he had any idea where the guest house was, because as great Baekhyun was into planning surprises, he had forgotten to even look at the direction and forbade his friends to do so being sure he could find them anyway. Sehun stepped out of the store with the directions, and lead the way.

The guesthouse was cosy, the owners had made a great job into decorating it nicely, keeping a seaside theme that made them feel like in a pinterest post. The owner, Mr. Go who was running this guesthouse to occupy his retired life advised them to what restaurant they had to go that evening, his son-in-law was the owner, and he swore that it was really good and of they were not coming in too late he would love to invite them to play cards with his wife.

Baekhyun had booked two Double bedrooms, they were no twin beds room left, meaning Kyungsoo and Chanyeol would have to sleep on the same bed. He didn’t tell them before hand thinking it would probably not be an issue, before seeing Chanyeol’s reaction to it. He did not want to bother Kyungsoo, as he was the messiest sleeper the world had ever seen, by quoting his words.

‘It’s fine Chanyeol-ah,’ Kyungsoo reassured him his eyes glued to his phone. ‘And it is just for a night anyway so don’t worry about me too much. Just please don’t touch me too much I get awkward with skinship.’

Chanyeol flushes at the thought of them snuggling together under the covers and he avoided watching him, afraid his eyes would talk for him. He then heard a chuckle, Chanyeol got ready to snap at Kyungsoo to make him stop laughing at him, but he was in fact texting someone and probably smiling for them, which made him slightly annoyed.

 

_-So you are in Uljin right now ? I would have come if knew but i have a dancing class in an hour. You are so close to Pusan._

 

_-too bad Jong. We got our rooms and we soon are going to the beach. i can’t wait to see it and draw it._

 

_-send pictures hyung and keep me updated_

 

-s _orry Kyungsoo is now unavailable for the rest of the weekend, his roommate his forbidding him to stay glued on the phone so he can have quality time with friends. Bye_

 

‘Yah Park Chanyeol ! Do you have a death wish ?’ Kyungsoo’s glares were the scariest to Chanyeol, who was looking at him like a frightened puppy. He wanted Kyungsoo’s attention, like he was always asking for it, more than anyone.

He complied to his request and put his phone away, and they headed out to join the two other boys, who were waiting for them at the front gate of the guesthouse. Once at the beach, they started running around like playful kids, rolling around putting sand all over their clothes, playing catch and building sand castles.

Kyungsoo who got tired after only 20 minutes, went to sit a little behind, grabbed his drawing material, sketchbook and pencils, everything he might need. He went through the pages, and he would pretty soon have to get a new one, because since Chanyeol’s arrival in their lives, he had drawn the latter a lot so his journal was running out of blank pages.

His drawings of the boy were peculiarly good, better looking than any other one, except for the sketch of the school nurse, Nurse Kim who was the lucky human to have those mesmerizing cat shaped eyes anyone would envy. But there was something different about Chanyeol. Besides his obvious good looks, his eyes reflected shines of goofiness and innocence, making his gaze unbearable, like you would give him anything if he asked. Even the way he gestured was interesting to him.

Kyungsoo swore his interest in Chanyeol was only in an artistic goal and absolutely nothing more. Chanyeol was spinning in the sand, arms up to the sky, face casting the very last glimpses of sun rays of the day. Sehun was laying on the beach, his head resting on Baekhyun’s lap, the couple laughing their heads off to see the taller boy acting like a ballerina when he had what seemed to be a total lack of rhythm, when funny enough he mentioned being a musician.

The view was beautiful and he felt warm to see his friends like that. he draw them as to give them justice and when he was done with the bigger part, he knew it would be one of his best drawings, because that one was made with every ounce of love he had within. The sun was no longer in the picture, only its light remained.

It was getting dark and chilly, Kyungsoo remembered he had only brought his light jacket, forgetting it was already autumn and that here in Uljin there would be a sea breeze. They agreed when it was totally dark that it was time to go to the restaurant of Mr. Go’s son-in-law, a 15 minutes walk from the beach.

Kyungsoo and Chanyeol were talking in front of Sehun and Baekhyun, who were silently commenting their actions, judging them too obvious, to the point where they weren’t even surprised when Chanyeol took off his sweatshirt to give it to Kyungsoo who was shivering when it wasn’t even that cold.

What surprised them though was their long time friend reaction, Kyungsoo who was coy and reserved, who had trouble to creat bonds, refusing to let any sort of intimacy happen. And him smiling and quickly putting on the giant sweater, was what they called a progress. Kyungsoo was swimming in a pool of fabric, but the mustard colored jumper was confortable and it smelled like Chanyeol. Most important it kept him warm and he wasn’t really feeling guilty of undressing Chanyeol, he would not be cold as he was moving so actively, his blood probably being warmer than average.

Baekhyun pressed Sehun’s hand in excitement seeing them acting that way and seeing Sehun’s grin, he understood that his boyfriend knew more than he was telling and both of them were looking forward to see more, like this was some sort of reality show.

They ate well, the guesthouse owner did not lie, the restaurant was cheap but very good and they ate seafood until the world hunger was definitely erased from their personal dictionaries. And once they told they had come there on Mr. Go’s recommendation, they were offered some rice wine and alcohol.

They were all from the beginning of the year, so soon to be aged enough to drink, Chanyeol would be the first one to be 19 but they din’t take it into consideration and let them drink if they promised to be responsible, one of us who would remain sober. Sehun designated himself to be the sober one, even after Baekhyun had fought a little with Kyungsoo, claiming he should not be drinking and that he knew that very much but did not seem to care.

‘Let me off the hook for once,’ Kyungsoo had said softly, like a plea. ‘I always take care of myself so well just this once Baek.’

Chanyeol knew they were secrets between them that he shouldn’t been asking for, but he was curious about Kyungsoo.

They kept drinking, And Sehun soon regretted his choice, Baek and Kyungsoo did not have a very high tolerance to alcohol, Baek had drink quite moderately but Kyungsoo after chugging on the first bowl of rice wine, they knew he would be done for the rest of the night. Chanyeol had never seen Kyungsoo like that, he was a lot more talkative, and he felt happy and drank more, making the two of them, the drunkest person in town.

They were not going to black out, it wasn’t that bad, but it was enough for them to be filmed and make funny memories. The happy mood lasted a while until confession time came up, they talked about things, to it was more like Sehun was inviting them confessing their crush on each other. But it wasn’t going his way.

‘Kyungsoo-ah,’ Sehun finally tired. ‘Why would you not let anyone in ?’

’Sehun-ah…,’ Baekhyun pouted, disapproving. Chanyeol was all ears.

‘I wish I could. But I am scared Sehunnie. I am scared they will live me once they know how broken i am, how ill i can get. I can’t do this to the person i love. And no one would ever like me like this. So it’s best if i just stay alone. but again I have you I don’t need anyone else.’

‘What about that Jongin guy you text all the time. What about letting him ?’

‘It is easy with him, we live far so it’s easy to hide the truth. I like him so i won’t tell him. Never. We never have to meet. I will die by myself with anyone to love me.’

 

I would love you even if you had five legs , Chanyeol's tipsy heart said.

 

Kyungsoo breaking into hiccups was their cue it was time to go and get to the guest house, they paid for their meal and started walking, the boys looking closely after the drunken boy, who walked in front of them, murmuring things to himself, a pep talk to his conscience as Baekhyun had called it, one of Kyungsoo’s drunk habits. They only drank once in a while, even though they were underaged, Baekhyun’s older brother would buy for them as long as they drank at home.

‘Does he have another drunk habit ?’ Chanyeol asked curiously. Sehun laughed.

‘You will know about it soon enough. But I am warning you, you are so not ready for it.’

 

 

You're the ink on my skin

Through the thick, through the thin

You were mine

My confession, you're my sin

My religion,

Yeah you bring me to life

You're the smoke in the air, everywhere

You're the truth, you're the dare,

You're the lie

And I don't want to stare, but I swear

No, that nothing compares,

To your eyes

I never wanna break your heart

I never wanna break your heart

I'm never gunna stop it once I start

I'm never gunna break it

My habits die hard

You're the pain, you're the numb

You're the empty bottle of rum,

I don't remember

You're the hit, you're the run

You're the trigger on the gun

And I surrender

You're the smoke in the air, everywhere

You're the truth, you're the dare,

You're the lie

And I don't want to stare, but I swear

No, that nothing compares,

To your eyes

I'm never gunna break your heart

I'm never gunna break your heart

I'm never gunna stop it once I start

I'm never gunna break it

My habits die hard

Never break the habit

Never break the habit

I'm never gunna break your heart

I'm never gunna break your heart

I'm never gunna stop it once I start

I'm never gunna break it

My habits die hard

 

 

 

Chanyeol was lying on the bed, wearing a pair of shorts and a t-shirt, humming a song he had listened to the radio that reminded him of a certain someone. He had washed up first, Kyungsoo requested it because he had to write in his journal and that he couldn’t do it after being in the shower because it would reduce his drunken state and that he needed to write drunk.

Why ?

Chanyeol had not idea and he was certainly not going to ask. He heard Kyungsoo trip and when he was about to run to see if he needed help he heard :

‘Chanyeol-ah, I am alive don’t worry stay in our bed.’

Our bed ?

As if he wasn’t blushing hard already, Kyungsoo made it worse by going out of the bathroom half naked, simply wearing a pair of short shorts, and he switch the lights off and slid under the covers. If only that was it. But Kyungsoo other drunken habit appeared to be simply be the opposite of his usual self.

Drunk Kyungsoo, if he really still was at that moment, was a really touchy one, very prone to skinship. He made Chanyeol slid down, and cuddle with him, embracing the life out of him, his cute round head on the older’s chest. Chanyeol was panicking. Real hard. Okay, maybe he did have a crush on Kyungsoo.

Maybe he was in denial, a denial who stopped that very moment Kyungsoo whispered.

 

‘You know, sometime I like getting drunk because it helps me do things i could never have the courage to do, like allowing myself to feel great, like now when you hold me yeollie. I don’t know why but i feel safe now.’

 

But it was Kyungsoo holding Chanyeol but who cared about the details, Kyungsoo turned around and because the poor Chanyeol was still quite frozen he again made a move and pressed his back on Chanyeol’s chest, inciting him to hold him tight, which he finally end up doing.

 

‘What were you singing when i got out of the shower? I heard you a little, you have a nice voice.’

’ It was a song by Plested, a singer I like.’

‘Can you sing it for me ? Please.’

‘hmm, yeah sure.’

 

How could he refuse anything to him when he was being like this ? He started humming the song in his very deep voice, more like a murmur, his lips being so close to Kyungsoo’s ears. He did not reach the first the second verse when he heard the smaller’s sleepy breathing and he followed him soon after.

That day had been all about them, no one came in between and Chanyeol had his quality time he had so much desired. There was no Jongin, there was no Sebaek making fun of him, it was only them and especially at that moment.

 

’Sehun-ah look what i found in our favorite little couple’s room this morning ?’

 

To that Baekhyun showed him the little polaroid picture he shot of them cuddling, when he only wanted to check if kyungsoo hadn’t died because of drinking too much.

 

The boys came back safely to their homes, the trip back had been good, but slightly uncomfortable, especially for Kyungsoo who was suffering from a strong headache. Chanyeol sat next to Sehun, making him startled, and punched him in the shoulder in a warning that if he did something like that again, the punch would be in a more sensitive place.

‘I don’t like those kinds of surprises, you never know how i can react. What if I had hit you out of shock ?’

‘Yah you have no problem hitting me though’

‘I don’t like you that is why.’

‘You what ?’ Chanyeol felt Sehun’s smirk on him.

‘Forget it. I am going back to Kyungie.’

‘Giving each other pet names ? He doesn’t do that though.’

‘Why did he call me yeollie then ?’

‘He did what ?’ Baekhyun exclaimed as he suddenly appeared in front of them.

And when they were discussing about Kyungsoo, the quiet boy was casually texting Jongin about his trip, and before he sent it, Jongin gave him a special scare.

 

 

_\- Let’s meet around the 20th november. I like you Kyungsoo._

 

 

And that night, Kyungsoo sounded great, he was happy and felt so fine. Jongdae calls, the first time in a while.

He is got wonderful friends, someone he likes and he gets to talk to his twin brother.

What could possibly go wrong now ?

**Author's Note:**

> feel free to correct any mistakes, as english is not my native language i am certainly not an exemple of good syntax. this story is inspired on true and personal events. i will try to update regularly as the whole story is planned yet not entirely written. i hope you will like it <3
> 
> I won't necessarily write from whom do the lyrics belong to so please ask if you want to know :)


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